What do you do when you think too much?
Analyzing, over-analyzing, pondering, wondering, oh, and thinking some more.
Comparisons. Pity. Comparative pity, maybe a little.
Is it right? Am I being selfish? What about others?
Walk a mile in another person’s shoes and you might find out your bad experiences are not so bad.
Then there are feelings. Valued, valid. Mushy, gushy, messy feelings. How do I act? What if I upset someone else?
If I cry, then others will think ‘poor, Annie’ (others being family and yes, they still call me Annie). And they may start to cry. I don’t want that. But, then I hold it all inside. It has to come out some time. Privately I suppose. And then there was the talk.
How my daughter helped me mourn the loss of my mom.
I haven’t posted here in a while. Sure, there have been a few posts related to a giveaway I am having, but those were written and scheduled and then I was gone. And then I came back and everything I had to say seemed so insignificant. Rather self-indulgent and meaningless, unimportant. Until now.
For those who come by with some regularity you are aware I lost (well, I know where she is) my mom on June 3rd. What you may not know is I cried when I told my kids and not much more since. In fact, while my daughters and I were holding each other and crying I stopped and turned away from the role of daughter mourning and to the roll of mother comforting.
Maybe it’s time to quiet those way too self aware voices and feel. Just this once.
I hadn’t seen Megan in two weeks. She had landed a great summer job and it was starting just when we left for Florida. She was disappointed in not being able to go to her grandmother’s memorial. And yet she was very happy to see me again. We sat in the kitchen and talked for a bit on Saturday morning.
I was telling Megan how I missed my mom, but it felt wrong to talk about it. It felt wrong to cry about it. After all, she was only 10 when she lost her dad. How could I be so selfish? Then the sweetest thing a daughter could ever do for her mother happened. Full of tears Megan told me it was okay. No matter how old you are, it’s okay.
All the times I comforted her with empty, but thoughtful words. All the times I held her and told her it would be okay. All the times I was there for her. It’s amazing how our children grow up. Now she is telling me it will be okay. It’s okay to feel sadness. It’s okay to smile and even laugh. It’s okay to go on living after someone you love dies. And it’s okay to cry.
Twitter: Ileane
Hi Annie (if I may call you that). Girl I feel your pain because I lost my Mother on March 15th. I cry every chance I get. You gotta let it out. Treat yourself to a box of those soft tissues, you know the ones with lotion or something like that in them, find a quiet place and you will feel so much better when you’re done. I promise.
Ileane recently posted..Introducing WordPress 3.0 (via WordPress.tv)
[Reply]
Anne Bender
Twitter: AnneOnline
Reply:
June 27th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
@Ileane @ Ms. Ileane Speaks, Thank you, Ileane. And so sorry you lost your mother, too. I think I’m in a bit of denial/shock still. It’s all so surreal. I’m sure it will hit me out of nowhere one day and no amount of thinking will hold back the tears.
And you most certainly may call me Annie.
[Reply]
Twitter: justkissie
What a sweet daughter you have! I’ve been told to see the type of mother you are or have been, look at your grandchildren.
Megan has answered.
Thank you for sharing this message with us.
Prayers and thoughts are with you.
Kissie recently posted..Still Not Fixed?
[Reply]
Anne Bender
Twitter: AnneOnline
Reply:
June 27th, 2010 at 11:16 pm
@Kissie, I knew it skipped a generation.
Thank you for your kind words, Kissie.
[Reply]
Twitter: AussieSire
Of course it’s alright to cry and as much as you want to be strong for your daughter there is nothing wrong with showing her that moms do cry.
Sorry for your loss Anne. I wish I could say more but I’m less than useless when it comes to this sort of thing
[Reply]
Anne Bender
Twitter: AnneOnline
Reply:
June 27th, 2010 at 11:18 pm
@Sire, Oh, Sire, you do just fine. Trust me, no one is worse at this than me. We never discussed death when I was a child, but I’ve had to discuss it with my children since Megan was 3. It’s never easy, but one thing I’ve learned is the tears will come, life goes on, and family and good friends are always there for you when you need them.
[Reply]
Nicely written, Anne, and you’ve raised a wise daughter. Of course you’re allowed to grieve; there are no rules with this sort of thing.
Mitch recently posted..Michael Jackson One Year Removed
[Reply]
Anne Bender
Twitter: AnneOnline
Reply:
June 27th, 2010 at 11:23 pm
@Mitch, Thank you, Mitch. I often forget that kids do listen and learn even when we think they aren’t paying attention.
[Reply]
That was a very thoughtful thing that your daughter did and it just goes to show how well you brought her up.
[Reply]
Twitter: Bloggertalk
Anne, Your post has now brought tears to my eyes. My condolences to your loss. As you know I lost my mother eight years ago. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s a very personal experience. Don’t stop yourself from crying if you feel one coming on. Your children will understand.
Rose recently posted..Short Stature- Little People
[Reply]
Ching Ya
Twitter: wchingya
Reply:
July 15th, 2010 at 5:04 am
I agree with Rose, and I can feel your sadness when reading your post, and I just wish I’m there to give you a hug too, Annie. It’s true what your daughter said (very young yet speak wisely): “No matter how old you are, it’s okay.”
Last year I lost one of my closest ones too. Not many people know about it and the hardest part is to go through it without people knowing you’re sad. I’m glad I have my husband and family helped me through, and it’s okay to cry, Annie. To grieve is a part of healing too.
Hugs,
Ching Ya
Ching Ya recently posted..Tweet Branding- Scheduling and Reply Campaigns with MarketMe Tweet V2
[Reply]