day by day

I think. No, I think a LOT! All the time, every day, thoughts running through my head. Trying to decipher all that is happening. Why things happened in the first place.

What if I did this instead?

Then there are the things that are going to happen. Blog post ideas, what exercise video will I attempt today, what the hell is for dinner?!? Thinking, thinking, thinking. It can be quite demanding, but it is most definitely tiresome.

I am sooo tired.

death, dying, finite!

This is what I am thinking about these days. Over and over in my mind I am constantly thinking about the lives we live and then it’s just over. I guess I should preface this with I am NOT depressed.

I am sad. I am reminiscent. I fully understand if you decide to skip this post.

I posted a bunch of old photos on my Facebook page yesterday. My cousins were loving this. Even one I hadn’t seen online in awhile made an appearance.

the grandparents

Nan & Pop. The first one was taken in 1940; they are in their early 20’s. The second is my grandmother; there was no date, but we think this was her confirmation picture.

My grandparents lived long, fulfilling lives. They raised 5 daughters, had 12 grandchildren, and 9 great-grandchildren. Both lived to see their early 80’s. And theirs is a great love story, too.

the parents

Here is a picture taken December 30, 1949. My mom is just over 1 1/2 years old. She’s the one on the right. Isn’t she adorable?

Last year my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Ovarian cancer is almost impossible to detect until it is too late. She underwent surgery and had a cyst the size of a football removed from her abdomen. After a year of chemotherapy we thought things were getting better. There was one stubborn spot, but everything else looked good.

Two weeks ago my mom was told the cancer is spreading. It is in her lungs and liver. She expects to hear it is also in her stomach. She has trouble breathing and is short on strength. My mom will be 62 tomorrow. We are praying for a miracle.

And I came across this picture of my mother-in-law taken in early August 1991. That’s Megan in her arms.

Now, here was a woman who could take a radiator out of a car, fix it, then put it back together again. She once dumpster dived for tickets so Megan could get a Power Ranger toy from the neighboring Fun Zone. Megan was thrilled! I had hoped she would one day teach the kids German [she was from Austria, ya know]. Megan vaguely remembers, Amanda nothing, Stephen was yet to be born. Kathy was diagnosed with Colon cancer and died the day after Thanksgiving, 1994. She was 47 years old.

the friends

And the things that impact us the most are the things we struggle to comprehend.

I was contacted last night via Facebook. The sister of a good friend of mine from grade school. She found me and remembered how close I once was to her sister. I accepted her friendship and replied that I had last heard from Janice over a year ago, via Classmates.com. I had replied, yet never heard back. I hope they were both doing well.

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Janice and I met when we were in 7th grade; we were 12 years old. We rode the bus together. She was a dancer [ballet, tap, jazz]. I had often thought of her as Megan had taken up those very same things. We drifted apart sometime after our senior year of high school. Then, in 1991, we found each other. She had gotten married in October 1990; me the following March. We were both expecting our first child. I was three weeks early. She was three weeks late. Her daughter was born the day after her birthday.

We kept in touch and spent time together. I even babysat for her once or twice. Then I got pregnant again. The last time I saw Janice was the day I was released from the hospital with Amanda in 1993. I sent birthday and Christmas cards for a year. I had my thoughts as to why she stopped talking to me. I didn’t think I had done anything, but it was something else. I understood, sort of.

Then, one day she sent me note online. She included her phone number. I entered it into my cellphone thinking I would one day summon up the courage to call. I never did.

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Last night, as I really looked at the words her sister wrote I grew curious. “I was going through the north shore website and found your name. You and Janice were great friends.” Yeah, we were, but it was what was not said that made me wonder if something was wrong. I immediately did a search.

JANICE MARIE BIDDINGER ROBINSON

Janice Marie Biddinger Robinson, age 38, died suddenly Wednesday, October 14, 2009. She was born in West Palm Beach, FL on August 30, 1971.

And I cried…

no words of comfort

I had a restless sleep last night. I heard Dwayne fumbling about at 5:30 this morning and waited. I sat up and he smile a good morning my way. I told him the shortened version of what I had learned. He looked at me and knowing I was looking for answers he could never give just said, “Not everyone is guaranteed a long life, Anne. These things happen.”

life

It goes by so quickly. Tomorrow I’ll get to it. Tomorrow will be a good day. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. What if tomorrow never comes?

Take time today to watch the water run over the rocks, to listen to the sounds of nature. Take time today to live your life. Today you have. There are no promises of tomorrow.

{the little creek that runs through our yard}

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