Previous Applicants Need Not Apply

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Isn't this the cutest? - courtesy of smurph2010

My one year anniversary will be upon me in just a few short weeks. I will never forget the day. It was dreary and cold. I started the morning by going to cast my vote for our new President. The kids were all snug in bed as school was closed for the day. Around here they use many of the schools for elections. No cake and ice cream. No presents. No cause for celebration, really. This will be the one year anniversary of me getting canned, getting the axe, told my services are no longer needed or welcome, told I am persona non grata. Yes, I was {pause for dramatic effect} fired. It happens.

One Year Later {Almost}

I still have no job. Well, one always has a job so that is a bit of an unfair statement [or would inaccurate be more to the point?]. I have no paying job. I write several blogs, this being my more comfortable home on the vast world wide web. I am a few short classes away from completing my bachelor’s degree [in a field I have no interest]. I have more food and supplies in my house than one year ago and many were free or nearly free. I am one year older. I have a daughter in college. My mom is battling ovarian cancer [so far she is winning]. We have chickens [and fresh eggs]. Life is good, considering it could be so much worse.

I look at the classifieds and find them wanting

They want you to have a bachelor’s degree and 5+ years experience and the a last name that begins with Q, but not followed by U. Okay, I made up the last name part, but it really is not all that far-fetched. Everyone wants something specific and since they cannot legally write most of this in an advertisement for employment, they ask you to send your resume and a cover letter and your salary requirements or your salary history or both!

Wait a minute. Hold the phone. Stop the presses! That is quite personal thank-you-very-much. I do not even know you and you want to know how much previous employers think I was worth? Why? What does it matter if one employer felt I was worth X amount plus benefits? Really, I want to know. This is just another way of discriminating. Sure, you call it weeding out; we all know what it really is. My salary history is of no consequence to you. You ever hear of the saying ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’? Well, don’t judge me by my salary history.

Previous Applicants Need Not Apply

What if my information has changed? What if I applied ten years ago, does that count? What if I cannot remember if I applied in the past and reapply, does this really tick you off? Honestly, will you even remember me?

I don’t like writing cover letters. They make little sense to me. You have my resume and now I am supposed to write you a short note explaining to you why I am the best candidate for the job without using the word ‘I’ or regurgitating my resume and by focusing on you and your organization which you may or may not have listed in the employment advertisement. Wait, what if this is a blind ad that does not want me to reapply and I do reapply and they recognize me, will I be blacklisted? Goodness! This is too much like work and I am not paid enough anything for this!

Me and Sarah Palin {I think I vomited a little just now}

Never thought I would compare myself to Sarah Palin. Oh, don’t go all ‘she’s great and misunderstood’ on me. I am a registered Republican and I do not like her. There, get over it. Where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yeah, today I am going to be a maverick! Yesiree-bob, I am going to break all the rules and live life on the edge ~>baby. Check out this cover letter. Talk about not beating around the bush [no pun intended - Palin, Bush, get it?].

Dear Possible Future Employer Person,

I found your advertisement for a job opening and may be interested in working for your organization. First, I would like to tell you a little about me. After spending the last 15 years of my life working in the bookkeeping/accounting profession, working towards my Associates then Bachelors in Accounting, and working in both the for-profit and not-for-profit sectors I have come to realize a few things. One, I do not enjoy accounting enough to voluntarily spend 8 or more hours a day performing accounting functions. Two, I would rather poke a sharp object in my eye many, many, many times before working in a not-for-profit setting again. And three, I need to feel there is a greater purpose than just earning money, for you and me.

Here is a quick view of some of my more endearing qualities:

• I value honesty and know how to be discrete.
• I speak my mind. I have been known to offend, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not.
• I truly believe all persons in an organization are equally important and treat them that way.
• I make mistakes. Yes, I know we are taught to put our best foot forward, but I am imperfect.
• I do not like to double and triple check my work; this does not mean I am sloppy in my performance.
• I rarely, if ever, take notes.
• I pay attention to my surroundings.

Next, I would like to know a little more about you. Do you say what you mean and mean what you say? Do you want people to think for themselves or do you want to do all of the thinking? Do you compliment as a means to disarm or are you genuine in your praise? Are you looking for a body to fill a position or a person to find a new career? Do you enjoy what you do or is it about the money? Oh, and do you offer a high deductible health care option and how long until I am eligible? Hey, a girl needs to know these things.

If you can honestly say you believe this will be a good match then let’s schedule an interview and see if this is the real thing or a looks-good-on-paper situation. Either way, I thank you for taking time out of your schedule today for me.

Sincerely,

Possibly Interested Applicant

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